As a child of immigrants from a collectivistic culture, you may often find yourself carrying a deep sense of responsibility towards your family and community. There's an unspoken understanding that you owe something to those who sacrificed so much for you to have the opportunities you do. You might feel that you’re forever indebted to them and that you have to try your very best, be the best, and/or always say yes in order to pay off that debt. However, in striving to care for others, many of us neglect our own needs— feeling guilty when we take time for ourselves.

The messaging children of immigrants often receive is that everyone else has to come first. Your family’s journey might have involved significant sacrifices for your success and comfort. It’s easy to feel that your well-being should come second, or even last, to theirs. For example, growing up, my mother was always the last one to eat at gatherings despite how much our guests insisted that she sit to enjoy herself after hours of hard work. She continuously wanted to ensure that everyone else was having a good time and enjoying the food she spent hours preparing because that’s how she communicated her love and care for others. If you’ve had a similar experience to mine, you might feel that resting or prioritizing your own well-being is an act of selfishness and because of that, self-care becomes taboo. Yet, it’s crucial to recognize that self-care isn’t a luxury or a reward; it’s a necessity.

In order to make these shifts to prioritize ourselves more frequently, we might need to have difficult conversations (with ourselves and others) and set some boundaries. However, these conversations can be so anxiety-inducing that many children of immigrants would rather continue taking care of other people and prioritizing them rather than sit with the discomfort of the guilt that comes with putting themselves first. As this pattern continues on, it leads to feelings of resentment and disconnection in the relationships we care about most. The reality is, the sooner we take the steps to balance others and ourselves, the easier it is to avoid resentment, compassion fatigue, burnout, etc.

1. Understand the Root of the Guilt

The truth is, guilt often stems from the love and responsibility that you have towards your family and acknowledging that these feelings arise from deep care and gratitude is the first step in letting go of guilt. Realize that you can love and care for your family and care for yourself.

2. Reframe Self-Care as an Act of Love

When you take care of yourself, you ensure you are physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy enough to care for those you love and you prepare yourself to be better equipped to pour into others. Think of it as investing in your ability to continue supporting your family, not as a choice between them and you.

3. Set Culturally Informed Boundaries

Remember that you cannot pour out of an empty cup. Prioritizing yourself might come with some difficult conversations and boundary setting and although, “no” is a full sentence, it might not necessarily land well with your family due to cultural reasons. This might mean that setting boundaries in your family might look different than what the Western culture has to offer.

I always recommend clients to practice these skills in lower stake/minimal consequence situations so that it becomes more natural to them. You can practice setting boundaries in indirect, non-verbal ways. For example, if your family expects you to attend family gatherings and it can be perceived as a sign of disrespect if you decline their invite, how would it feel like to attend a few hours and leave early?. This allows for you to prioritize their wishes while honoring your needs without completely losing yourself in the process.

"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously" - Prentis Hemphil

Doing something different takes courage and therapy can help support you in multiple ways - to brainstorm ideas, to create accountability, to reflect on what is working and why, to weather the bumpy road until you find your way, and to regularly practice what it means to take care of yourself as well as your relationships. For children of immigrants, having a therapist who understands that commitment to others is just as important as commitment to self is an essential part of the process of feeling more aligned with your values and supporting you in creating what feels right for you in context. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.

Written by: Marjan Modaresi, AMFT