Have you found yourself in a space where you have been questioning your gender? Are you discovering that you don't necessarily identify with the gender binary that has been presented to you? Perhaps you feel uncomfortable with physical features associated with your assigned gender, want to explore gender expression via clothing or other aspects of your presentation, or are struggling because you feel you should present in a specific way to be considered “valid” in your gender identity. Beginning to explore the vastness of gender and taking this step for yourself can be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing, but it doesn't have to be. Giving yourself the permission to start small and think creatively can help make the journey of exploration a lot easier.

Gender is defined as a social construct referring to the characteristics of a person including, behaviors, roles, and expectations, not based on biology but rather associated with a specific gender identity such as man, woman, non-binary, two-spirit, etc. It is important to note that while these constructs exist, they have evolved throughout time and have varied across cultures. Kit Heyam’s Before We Were Trans: A New History of Gender explores histories and topics such as the wakashu of Japan, a “third-gender” neither woman nor man, whose gender was tied to the kind of sex and partners that they had. What might be considered a behavior/role for a “woman” in one culture may be the role of a “man” in another. In this sense, we already begin to see the fluidity of what gender can be, across cultures, over time. Because gender is a social construct, it is inherently something that is ever shifting as social constructs tend to do. To put this more simply, gender can be anything and nothing; it is and it is not. And these explorations have existed as long as humans have been alive.

While a sense of gender may come from an innate feeling or understanding of ourselves, in a more historical context, gender can be seen as something that we have learned from the generations before us. We look to our parents, grandparents, and the greater community to form our archetypes of gender.

In my own personal work, having taken time to sit with how I express and feel my own gender, I came to the realization that being non-binary has always inherently been a part of me. In the context of gender as a social construct that includes behaviors, roles, and expectations, I came to realize that I have historically embodied both “male” and “female” roles within my family structure.

Being the eldest “son” there were the prescribed cultural expectations of a “man” that I grew up with such as: being expected to carry on the family name, being financially successful, presenting in an acceptable masculine manner, not being overly emotional, and being the go-to adult child for practical support. While experiencing and living within the framework of “masculinity,” I also took on “female” roles such as emotional confidant, sub-parent to my younger sibling, and helping with household chores (such as cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries, and serving guests when they came to visit). In this way, gender became more than just, “this is a man and this is a woman”, but rather it became a space in which I could play, experiment, and explore.

As a child of immigrants, there has always existed a sense of already living between worlds and expectations. I grew up with the histories and culture of my ancestors in a land with a culture that was not my own. And yet simultaneously, this new culture had to become mine as well. As children of immigrants, we have the unique experience of navigating and exploring the in-betweens to create a “third culture.” While there are challenges that arise and some aspects of culture may be at odds with one another, the “third culture” experience can lend the mental flexibility needed to explore other “in-betweens” such as gender.

Many of us children of immigrants would be surprised to learn about the ways in which gender identity has changed over time in our very own culture. Indigenous roots of many of our non-white cultures leave more space for the exploration, in-betweenness, and liminality of gender than the current structures that are taught. Reconnecting to the ancient histories within our cultures can be a powerful way of seeing our own exploration as a connection and even return to our indigenous ways of being rather than as a betrayal or abandonment of our cultures.

Have you ever wanted to explore your own gender but have found it difficult to find the right words? Or maybe it's hard to decipher what you truly feel internally because of the cultural messaging you have received? I have seen folx identify their gender in many ways outside the male-female binary and in ways that challenge the specific behaviors, roles, and expectations that define gender. Some folx have used descriptors such as a specific melody, the rustling of leaves, a color, shapes, items, etc. to define their feeling of gender when what truly fits them does not exist within the binary framework.

Whether you identify with the gender binary, experience gender as ever-shifting, or find that you identify as having no gender, here are some ways you can tap into however you express yourself:

Get creative!- draw, paint, dance, make a collage
Explore what roles you already embody. Are these the roles you also want to embody? How do these align with your views of gender?
Community & research! One of the positive aspects of the internet has been the ability to have discourse around gender in community. Many terms exist today that may help you identify more closely with your gender by naming it (you also don't have to use any labels!). PFLAG is a great resource and they also have a very thorough glossary.
Journal: take time to reflect on how you came to understand gender and where these influences came from. Here are a couple of questions to prompt this deeper reflection:
- Personal Journey: Reflect on your earliest memories of learning about gender. How did your family, culture, or early experiences influence your understanding?
- External Influences: How have media, education, or social circles shaped your views on gender? Can you recall specific influential moments that impacted you?
- Evolving Views: How has your understanding of gender changed over time? What experiences, conversations, or self-reflection led to this shift?

Recently, gender has been a hot topic in the media and government, and has caused a lot of distress to queer, trans, and gender expansive folx. If you have been curious about this type of exploration, the current context can make it feel even harder to lean into these inquiries. Finding spaces that can safely hold space for your personal reflections and questions while also offering guidance and support for the path that feels right for you is even more important given the current times. It feels deeply meaningful and necessary for me to offer this kind of support to all who might want to question or are already in relationship with these questions. If you have been struggling with gender identity, sexual expression, or have been looking for a nonjudgmental space to explore such topics, reach out today for a free consult.

Written by: Jean Donabedian, AMFT, APCC

Jean (he/they) is a queer, 2nd generation Armenian immigrant Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist as well as a Registered Associate Professional Clinical Counseling at Noor Therapy and Wellness who helps BIPOC and LGBTQ+ flox find balance between culture and identity.